Tired...

I'm tired of rushing.
I'm tired of feeling guilty.
I'm tired of feeling guilty for rushing.
I'm tired of being tired.

So I'm in quite a slump these days. Well, that is when I have time to think about my slump. Life is SO HECTIC. It's all a balancing act - who can I NOT piss off today by being busy. I don't have time to do ANYTHING. Ever. I've been working 7 - 5 everyday with a 2 1/2 hour commute. Today is my one day off in a 14-day stretch. I've just spent a zillion hours paying bills when I just want to be sleeping like Rylee. But if I'm sleeping, that means trying to pay bills while she is awake. Impossible.

Last Thursday might've been the worst day of my life. After 3 days of no sleep because of a sick baby with a temp in the 102's, I had to call in sick in the morning so that I could take her to the doctor. That meant calling the girl who rides with me at 4:30 a.m. and pissing her off. Then calling work (who can't spare to have anyone take a minute off b/c we're so busy with a deadline) to tell them I'd be hours late and pissing them off. I took her in to the doctor and got a $100 parking ticket. I ran home after and called everyone in the state of Maine (and their brothers) to try to find someone to watch Rylee. The old stand by: my sister. My sister who is trying to move into her obnoxious new mansion. My sister who already has two kids of her own. My sister who ALWAYS gets called upon to bail me out when I'm in trouble. So by noonish, I was pissing off my sister who was coming to watch Rylee while I ran out the door to work. Did I mention that I had a splitting headache from being up all night STRESSING about the upcoming day from hell? Anyway, it's only gone uphill from there. Rylee has Roseola and has had a fever between 102 and 104 for a full week (and now a lovely rash). I just found out that I need to spend over $300 + labor to get my damn airbag light to go off. I have no scheduled days off in sight. I just had to write a check for $100 for my parking ticket so now I'm brooding all over again (Tonya, are you SURE Gerry can't work his magic and get me out of that? He's like - important!). If you're wondering whether I'd like some cheese to go with my wine - why YES, I would. Cuz god knows I haven't had time to get to the store to buy any.

One of my biggest "guilt" issues right now is Sonya's birthday. Yes, I neglect ALL of my friends (do I even still have any) on a daily basis and never have any time to even email them. But seriously... it was her freakin' birthday and I couldn't even find the time to call OR mail out her gift. Her card is still sitting on the counter - waiting for me to remember to buy stamps when I go shopping. Her gift is still unwrapped in the spare bedroom waiting for me to make it to the post office (which will be a month after I can remember to buy stamps for her card so I figure I might as well wait and mail them together - along with her hubby's gift). I've been whining to Shawn since the night of her birthday about not calling her. If you're reading this Pinky... I'm sorry. :( I suck - I know.

All I can say is THANK GOD for small miracles.
Like my mother-in-law! coming to watch Rylee last Friday when she was too sick to go to daycare. And making us dinner. For the entire week.
Like getting Rylee's 9 month pictures back and LOVING them.
Like having today off so that I can get shit done.
Like Michelle coming over on Saturday to let Manny go pee.

Like the END of my commute!!!

I can survive this month. I can survive this month.