What to expect...

So someday I'm going to write a book. It's going to be titled: What to Expect When You're Reading What to Expect When You're Expecting. I started reading this book about 30 seconds after the home pregnancy test confirmed that I was, indeed, finally pregnant. I just assumed that I would love it... because, well, everyone loves it. Well, I hate it. Some of the many reasons I hate the book What to Expect (so far) are:

• I'm not even close to my 4th month and have already had cravings for like 6 weeks. (Okay, let's be realistic... I've had cravings my whole life. But anyway...)
• I'm not even close to my 4th month and yes, there is definitely a belly there. (And that's not just because I've been eating for 4 just in case).
• I am absolutely allowed without guilt to splurge on a candy bar or ice cream once a month?!? Are you kidding me?!? Who really feels better about that... ? How 'bout once a day? (Which would be drastically reduced from my non-pregnancy consumption).
• There's one part of the book where a woman writes in: "My girlfriends and I have a ritual of going to a movie and then out to fast food after once a month. Do I need to give this up?" What to Expect's answer was something along the lines of this: "Absolutely not! There are many fast food restaurants that now offer healthy choices so go have fun and enjoy a salad and a water for that once a month splurge!" Huh? We're talking approximately 8 times in your whole pregnancy! (Because the first time you consumed those ... gasp... toxic fries you didn't know you were pregnant). Seriously, the rules can't be this strict!
• I have never heard of 9 out of every 10 items on their "recommended diet" list. (Okay, I admit... that's not saying much!)

Luckily I have found a book to fill my "What to Expect" needs. It is called: The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and was recommended by my cousin Tina. It is right up my alley and I love it...

We have all heard of those women who do pregnancy perfectly. You know the type: a model or soap star who is reverently portrayed in women's magazines with bouncing hair and maternity clothes that actually match. Or worse, she is the daughter of your mother's best friend (or in my case the wife of my husband's best friend) so you have to hear about and be compared to her every single day. She gains the recommended 20-25 pounds, her skin stays clear and rosy, she prepares for birth by listening to meditation tapes, she plays singles tennis up until she is about 6 cm dilated and she had never felt better in her life. She also has a husband who thinks his wife is at her most beautiful when swollen with his child, who actually asks questions at the childbirth preparedness classes, and who, after the baby is born, takes the placenta home and buries it beneath an old oak tree. This book is not for these women. It is for the rest of us; those of us who put on 25 pounds before the home pregnancy test and the first doctor's visit. It is for those of us who get our first case of acne since the Homecoming Dance. It is for those of us who have hemorrhoids so bad that we have considered never eating solid food again in hopes of avoiding another bowel movement for the rest of our lives. It is for those of us who have considered murdering our husbands in their sleep because we thought we heard them say "moo" when we were getting dressed.

Ahh yes, this is my kind of book.